Jmas Fan Fiction

Title: Intimate Hearts: Forgiveness

Date: July 8, 2000

Status: Complete

Author: Jmas

Category: Series, drama, angst, h/c…various other things….
Rating: PG-13 for language


Archive: Stargate Fan, Heliopolis, Belle, Place of Our Legacy

Disclaimer: Characters are property of MGM, etc.

Spoilers: The Other Side, Small Victories, Shades of Grey
Summary: The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
Author's note: A continuing series…at least ten total…on the complexity and simplicity of friendship…

Intimate Hearts: Forgiveness

(n. the quality of forgiving, the dismissing of wrongs)

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

Man, I nearly screwed this one up big time….

Not only did I nearly blow the mission by giving a bunch of genocidal maniacs the means of finishing the job, I tore into Daniel to do it.

Daniel had been feeling pretty freaked after giving the word that would have killed Teal'c and me if Thor hadn't shown up in time. I recognized the signs right away…the too-fast talking, the eyes that wouldn't quite look at any of us after the first long stare to make sure we really were okay. Then he got quiet and disappeared down to his lab. I tracked him down and made him talk about it. I've been in the position more times than I want to think about…and I wasn't about to leave Daniel alone with that…

I'm still pretty pissed at Davis for leaving it up to Daniel to begin with. I gave the word, Davis should have done it. Siler told me all about it later…told me he never wanted to see a look like the one on Daniel's face ever again. Daniel's compassionate hesitation saved our lives, bought those precious seconds it took for Thor to pull us out…and I'll be grateful the rest of my life for the stubborn refusal to give up that's as much a part of Daniel as breathing….but he should never have been put in that position to start with.

I barged right in and we talked a long time…went back to my house and got a little drunk. Daniel doesn't like beer I've discovered, but he *loves* rum and coke, must be the caffeine. A lot of things got settled...

Anyway…I'm not really sure where my attitude on Euronda came from. I thought things were pretty cool with us about then, we went into the gate joking and picking on Teal'c like always. Maybe part of it was some leftover stuff from the Maybourne mess, maybe it was just the memory of those replicators crawling all over me with no way to stop them. I just saw the answer to all our prayers being handed over to us on a silver platter and I didn't want to hear anything to spoil it. Like a kid in a candy shop I wanted it all…and I didn't give a damn about the cost.

Well…it cost me a good chunk of Daniel. I saw the look on his face when I told him to shut up…and I couldn't just leave it there. I had to add a few extras to make *sure* he shut up.

To his credit, he didn't back off his position.

"It isn't *about* me, Jack…"

He meant it too. It was about truth…the truth we weren't getting from the Kindred and the truth of living with the consequences of jumping into the middle of a global war with one-sided intel. We knew better...*I* knew better…but I saw the brass ring and it blinded me to everything else.

Then Alar creeped me out with his "not like us" comment and the brass ring started to look a whole lot tarnished. The brass ring suddenly got that price tag Daniel had been talking about all along and it turned out to be a hell of a lot more than I was willing to pay. I had to do something to shut the carousel down, but first I had to take care of something else…

I put out a hand to stop Daniel from dialing us home…I could feel how cold he was by then. Not just a physical cold either…he was wrapped up tight in that 'this is wrong, why can't anybody see it?' shell I've come to know and fear. If he spends too much time there, he blows all over whoever might be in the way. He looked at me like I'd suddenly grown two heads when I actually said the words. I think…I know…I've never said the words before. I guess it's a good sign I can say them now.

He looked so damn confused when I did my about face…actually encouraging him to go ask his questions while Teal'c and I checked out the stasis rooms. We reached the same conclusions by different means and when we met up outside the war room, there was little need for explanations. The 'Kindred' were committing systematic genocide and I came way too close to helping them do it…

I don't have any intention of apologizing to anyone for what I did after that. It felt right on the cosmic payback scale…I hope it was. Alar did the bug on the windshield thing… hell, I told him not to follow us. I know Carter was pretty shocked about that one, but I don't need her approval. I did what I thought was right.

Daniel forgave me for ripping him a new one…paid me back for it by getting me good and drunk with some hugely expensive scotch. I think he suspects what happened…at least some of it…after he and Teal'c went back through the gate. He didn't say anything…he didn't have to. He was just there…giving me the means to feel okay about it all. Forgiving me without saying a word…without needing to. We've still got it… I don't think we ever lost it. It might get a little singed around the edges from time to time, but I think we're okay.

Better than okay.

There'll still be some long quiet nights when I wonder if I really did the right thing Daniel is so adamant about goes without saying…that's one I'll have to figure out on my own, but it's pretty damn nice knowing somebody's around who thinks I'm worth forgiving. He keeps at it long enough, I may start to believe it myself…







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